It’s a struggle because we’re not religious. I mean - really - not religious. So I don’t want a weekend minister who follows a pretty standard, ‘We’re gathered before God’ kind-of ceremony. And yet, I want our vows to be meaningful and heartfelt and symbolic of our relationship. I’m not sure a clerk of the court brings that sentiment to the table.
In a recent e-mail conversation with a potential celebrant I was asked to elaborate a little on what we’re looking for in the service and our feelings about the ceremony. This is an excerpt of what I said:
We’re not religious, or quite honestly even particularly spiritual people - just the kind of people who believe that when presented with the opportunity to behave admirably or poorly, the choice should be clear. Don is more or less a Buddhist and I’m basically agnostic.
We don’t see our marriage as “two souls becoming one”. We’re getting married because we make each other better, stronger individual people and that’s what we want reflected in the service. We’re very excited to marry one another, but we don’t think of this as the most important day in our lives, or even the most important day in our relationship - there will be days ahead that are equally important (sometimes for happy reasons, sometimes for sad reasons) and we’re looking forward to facing those days together.
We picked Ocean City for several reasons. One is that we both grew up in beach towns and feel connected to the water (Don’s from Miami). But the other big reason is that we wanted someplace meaningful to which we had a connection. We looked at probably 60 places (yay! Internet), but kept coming back to Ocean City.
So, what do you think? Does it sound like us? Is that what you would expect from our ceremony?
October 16th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
I think that sounds exactly like you guys…and perfectly wonderful. I cannot wait — this is going to be such a cool ceremony and reception (and, well, entire weekend)!
October 16th, 2008 at 3:52 pm
Thanks, Genie. It’s so hard to describe to a stranger what we expect of our vows and the verbal exchange that will express our commitment.
October 16th, 2008 at 4:07 pm
I was expecting (nay, hoping for) flame-throwers during the wedding ceremony. But this sounds exactly like what would happen after the flame-throwers.
I think it is a great summation of you two and beautifully written. The officiant won’t have to do much work since you’ve given him something so lovely.
October 16th, 2008 at 7:30 pm
What a nice way to describe love and commitment.
October 16th, 2008 at 8:16 pm
Uhm, Kate … we’re not ruling out flame throwers, sword swallowers or knife jugglers. Just so you know. In fact, this all relates to an idea Don had that I’ll share at a later date.
Thank you, Susan and Kate, for the affirmation. I know a lot of brides are anxious for the reception (and I am, too - we’re even attending the cocktail hour with everyone else), but I’m REALLY looking forward to saying and hearing the words of our vows and the rest of wedding ceremony. I have poured word for word over suggested services - like editing a newsletter for work.
October 17th, 2008 at 1:33 am
Well we actually know one sword swallower we WON’T be hiring, as when I saw him at Art on the Avenue he’d lost a lot of weight and had a big scar on his neck.
Not that the scar was the result of the failed sword swallowing - it was where they went in to FIX the results of the failed sword swallowing.
October 17th, 2008 at 1:39 am
And, I’ve been taking knife throwing classes. At some point I am going to show everyone how I can pierce an apple perched on the top of Don’s head.
October 18th, 2008 at 12:28 am
man, I need to work on my list of “absurd things at a wedding” if you keep all this up. As for the not to be hired sword swallower, um, ew.
October 18th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
You might be looking for is a Unitarian Universalist minister. This is a community that seems to be close to Ocean City. We’re all about celebrating this world and the differences you can make in it and each other, while seeking your own individual path to whatever spiritual englightenment you seek.
http://www.uussd.org/
I’d give the minister a call… even if he can’t help you I bet he can point to local resources.
October 20th, 2008 at 8:17 pm
Have you checked with the Ethical Society? They have people who are willing to officiate weddings… (for a small donation) and will most likely not mention “God” unless you want them to. That is where Dennis and I found our officiant.
Her name was Joanna London.
October 22nd, 2008 at 8:06 pm
It does sound like you guys - how do buddhist get married? That might be really fun!
October 22nd, 2008 at 8:32 pm
Dawn - good question! Buddhism is not a unified religion and thus does not have its own unique set of traditions. For example, probably any Christian wedding anywhere in the world would have mention God and Christ. All Jewish weddings refer to the Holy One of Blessings (Gxd) or something of that nature.
Buddhism takes the forms and trappings of the culture it arises in. In India it is very much based in Hinduism - or rather, not being Hinduism. In China it’s very similar to Confucianism, in Tibet very much like the Bon traditions that came before it. Buddhism in Thailand, Burma and Cambodia took on a lot of animistic trappings from the older religions in those countries.
Here in the US, many Tibetan-style temples have popped up and take on the feeling of a mainstream Christian church.
I have not been to a Buddhist wedding but have seen a Buddhist funeral and my guess would be that it would take on many of the same things we would think of in any religious or deeply philosophical ceremony. Mircea Eliade wrote about this kind of thing. The profane becomes sacred, a transformational act happens and then the sacredness of the space and moment ends and the participants are forever changed.
I have a book that likely has a westernized Buddhist wedding ceremony in it. I will check and see if I can find particulars.
But there is no unified Buddhist-style ceremony. In some traditions the clergy are technically not even allowed to attend or perform such a ceremony because of the temporal nature of such things. Buddhism is really about enlightenment and marriage is not a path toward that. It is not a path away from it either, but is certainly not what Buddhism is about.
More later.
September 23rd, 2009 at 10:01 am
[...] I have mentioned before, Don and I are not religious people. However, I am a believer in ritual and traditions. I also try to be thankful for my [...]