Over at a Practical Wedding, the wise and wonderful Meg just hit the nail on the head as she so often does. Meg and her boy have been struggling with the wedding registry and this week she figured it why it matters. She said so perfectly herself that I can only quote her.
And then I got it. The registry has nothing to do with the wedding. Our great-aunts and grandmothers are on to something when they insist that you register so they know what pots you want. The registry is not about the wedding, the registry is about the marriage. For us, we hope that means a long life with a passel of kids, a ton of family gatherings, and lots of cooking. So for us, that’s what a registry is about - letting our friends and loved ones build that home for us. The registry is like a barn raising.
Don and I have been struggling with the whole registry thing, too. I’ve attended dozens of weddings so I understand why you need them. I get that even if you make a real effort to try to encourage people not to give you gifts or make donations, people WANT to give you an item to have in your new life as husband and wife and that it’s a lot easier for the couple AND the gift giver if you provide suggestions. Quite honestly, I prefer to buy a gift than to make a donation when it comes to weddings (I’m all about supporting charities - I just like the idea of helping people I love create a home they will love).
Don has struggled with it even more than me … and I had to start our registries on my own while trying to coax him in.
For awhile I was making the joke that our wedding Web site would have to say:
But then one day a few weeks ago, I met him at a store. When I walked in he said, “Does this place have a wedding registry?” I told him it did and he said, “OK. We can register here.” So we did. He liked that the store in question had a lot of low priced items (they have a lot of high priced items, too - but a huge variety) and that they have a coupon every week.
We haven’t finished our registries yet, but we’re getting there and hope to be done before Christmas. And, as Meg said, we’re registering for things we’ll have and cherish as we grow old together - like the rest of our Fiesta Ware collection (which I already love and on which I want to serve Don dinner for the rest of our lives) and for a fancier place setting, too (which I will love and on which I want to serve holiday meals and other fancy dinners until I am too old to stand at the stove). We’re registering for some silly things that might not stand the test of time, too - but things that we will enjoy for right now anyway (like silpats for baking).
If our guests would prefer to make a donation to their favorite charities, I’ll be delighted. But I am going to be just as pleased to get a spoon that I will use to stir the creamer in my coffee and Don’s coffee when I am 34 and when I am 94.
Thanks, Meg, for helping me see the light.
December 4th, 2008 at 4:55 am
You know…I am sitting here reading your post after just finishing dinner off a plate that one of my aunts and uncles gave me as a “divorce” gift — they never gave us a wedding gift, and felt so bad about it that they bought me a set of dishes from Pottery Barn that I completely and utterly adore.
But…the reason your post is making me, well, weepy…but in a good way…is that I look around my apartment, this home that I’ve made for myself, and there are so many, many things that were wedding gifts.
Next to me is the purple ceramic bowl that my Mom’s colleague and wife (some of my parents’ best friends) gave me. Across the way is the wine bar that Bob’s Mom and Dad bought us, with two of the glasses that his Aunt and Uncle bought us for our wine shower hanging from it — they’re the only ones I have that aren’t broken yet. At Thanksgiving, my parents and I toasted with the champagne flutes I picked out at Crate and Barrel. And the list goes on.
Even though I ended up not creating a life with Bob, these aren’t just things to me. They’re part of my home, part of my memories, part of my life, and while I don’t have a 100 percent memory of what came from who, I use the things I was given with love and joy and care every single day.
So…I agree…it’s not just about a money-grubbing run on a house-goods store. It’s a matter of saying, “Hey…this is what I really love…what I’ll really use.” And a matter of someone going to the store and picking that out for you, or maybe picking out something you didn’t expect, but whatever it is, it is the stuff of life. It is the foundation of that home you two will build together, even if you have already begun that process in a substantial and loving way.
So, register already. And let me know where you make it happen.
December 4th, 2008 at 3:00 pm
Susan - Dave and I have been married just over 31 years, and there are wedding gifts we received that we still use to this day. Some are practical and allow us tho think of those people who understood that part of us - like dear friends of my parents who gave us an acrylic cutting board. We still use it to this day and everyonce in a while I really do think of them as I’m using the board. Or college friends of ours who gave us an electric knife and $5 for a roast (ok, that was a while ago). Every Christmas and Thanksgiving I remember them when the knife comes out. Or the little Italian pot that was given to us by the kids that I babysat all through high school. It’s just so pretty. These are all things that have followed us all these years and make our home what it is. Because the bottom line is, they were all given with love and good wishes for our life together, just as the gifts you receive will be.
December 4th, 2008 at 5:45 pm
I just want to say that the wedding gift mixer lasted 28 years and made many favorite cookies and birthday cakes.
And, Don, I have lots of 20% off coupons from B,B&B.
December 8th, 2008 at 11:38 pm
Having served as a bridal registry consultant at Hecht’s (Macy’s) for a couple years, the ONE piece of advice I can give anyone reading this blog who is planning to purchase anyone a wedding gift is to please use the registry. My consultant job consisted mostly of brides (and begrudging husbands) returning after the wedding with a cartful of unwanted gifts. Couples put hours worth of time into selecting their registry items and if that lovely crystal bowl is not on the registry - there is a reason it was not selected - resist all urges to add it to your cart.
The post-wedding return trip is not a pleasant experience and takes a chunk of the newlywed’s time, so at the very least, spare them the trip. That’s a gift in itself.
January 8th, 2009 at 2:48 pm
[...] how it happened. For a long time, I thought there was every possibility that we were not going to register for gifts. And then one day I went online and started a Macy’s registry to complete the four colors of [...]
January 27th, 2011 at 9:58 pm
~,’ I am really thankful to this topic because it really gives up to date information ~~*