Hey That’s A Nice Life

Over at a Practical Wedding, the wise and wonderful Meg just hit the nail on the head as she so often does. Meg and her boy have been struggling with the wedding registry and this week she figured it why it matters. She said so perfectly herself that I can only quote her.

And then I got it. The registry has nothing to do with the wedding. Our great-aunts and grandmothers are on to something when they insist that you register so they know what pots you want. The registry is not about the wedding, the registry is about the marriage. For us, we hope that means a long life with a passel of kids, a ton of family gatherings, and lots of cooking. So for us, that’s what a registry is about - letting our friends and loved ones build that home for us. The registry is like a barn raising.

Don and I have been struggling with the whole registry thing, too. I’ve attended dozens of weddings so I understand why you need them. I get that even if you make a real effort to try to encourage people not to give you gifts or make donations, people WANT to give you an item to have in your new life as husband and wife and that it’s a lot easier for the couple AND the gift giver if you provide suggestions. Quite honestly, I prefer to buy a gift than to make a donation when it comes to weddings (I’m all about supporting charities - I just like the idea of helping people I love create a home they will love).

Don has struggled with it even more than me … and I had to start our registries on my own while trying to coax him in.

For awhile I was making the joke that our wedding Web site would have to say:

But then one day a few weeks ago, I met him at a store. When I walked in he said, “Does this place have a wedding registry?” I told him it did and he said, “OK. We can register here.” So we did. He liked that the store in question had a lot of low priced items (they have a lot of high priced items, too - but a huge variety) and that they have a coupon every week.

We haven’t finished our registries yet, but we’re getting there and hope to be done before Christmas. And, as Meg said, we’re registering for things we’ll have and cherish as we grow old together - like the rest of our Fiesta Ware collection (which I already love and on which I want to serve Don dinner for the rest of our lives) and for a fancier place setting, too (which I will love and on which I want to serve holiday meals and other fancy dinners until I am too old to stand at the stove). We’re registering for some silly things that might not stand the test of time, too - but things that we will enjoy for right now anyway (like silpats for baking).

If our guests would prefer to make a donation to their favorite charities, I’ll be delighted. But I am going to be just as pleased to get a spoon that I will use to stir the creamer in my coffee and Don’s coffee when I am 34 and when I am 94.

Thanks, Meg, for helping me see the light.

Since getting engaged, the question of whether or not to change my name has been in the back of my mind. I’ve gone back and forth a few times, but I keep coming back to the decision to take Don’s last name.

On one hand, taking Don’s name is patriarchal tradition that I don’t necessarily want to take part in. On the other hand, keeping my current last name - my father’s family name - is equally patriarchal; it just happens to be the name I’ve always had.

We’re forming a new family and I like the idea that our family - even if it’s just the two of us - is identified to the world as a family unit by our shared last name. I’d be just as happy if we agreed to change our name to something else, as long as we both chose it. It could be a combination of our current names (Whitesell, Fusside?), or something we just like (maybe there’s a first name in both our family histories that would make a nice last name).

Don, however, likes his name and wants to keep it. Because he wouldn’t change his name, he doesn’t see why I would want to change mine. He’s being honest and completely fair. If I want to take his name, he won’t object (and he’ll probably even be happy in the long run); he just doesn’t see why I would change the only identity I have ever known.

So, if he doesn’t care, why DO I want to change my name?

I’m in media relations and a spokesperson for my industry, so my name is highly google-able right now and I’m sure our PR firm would be happier if I kept my name. I thought about changing my name officially, but using my maiden name for work … however that seems like it could turn into a real pain.

I own the URL for my current name, but the URL for my potential new name is already taken. I sent an e-mail to the person using it right now, but have not heard back from her.

Even though my current last name is kind-of hard to pronounce and hard to spell (I don’t know why either of those things are true since no one misspells or mispronounces Russell, but for some reason the “F” changes things), I do like the way it sounds and I like my initials. My potential new name is a lot easier to pronounce and spell, but I’ll probably use my maiden name as middle name making is less attractive to the ear and giving me odd initials (try writing out SLF and SFW and see what I mean).

Add up all of those things and it seems impractical to change my name, but I’m doing it anyway - because when it comes down to it, I want to share a name with Don. I just WANT to.

So, in just over five months I will begin the process of becoming Susan Whiteside. What do you think of my new name?